- Be slow to accuse. Allow for misunderstanding, your own errors, and good intentions. Ask for clarification.
- Phrase things in neutral ways. Saying that something is missing is less confrontational than accusing someone of taking it. Saying you don’t understand the discrepancy between a C- exam and a A paper and asking for an explanation is less confrontational than accusing someone of plagiarism. (They can still redo the paper).
- Avoid disrespectful, hurtful language. Words and phrases like “Shut up! ” “Stupid!” curse words, ethnic/religious slurs, sexual slurs (like “slut” ), homophobic remarks, etc. escalate conflict and create bad feelings.
- Cooperate with a reasonable request: Don’t defend or justify. Just do it.
- Rudeness does not require a counter-attack. Try to set limits without escalating.
- Useful phrases: “What do you think?” “How do you feel about…?” “I’m sorry.”
- Vent safely: write it out, talk to someone you know you can trust – preferably not in your office or connected to the person you’re in conflict with. If you’re a celebrity, be very careful about this.
- Vent physically: Exhale sharply several times. Then breathe deeply and slowly. Exercise. Walk around the block.
- Do a CPA: How did I Create, Promote, or Allow this situation to occur. Even if we think the other person is 99% in the wrong, there is still that annoying 1% 🙂
- Speak to the person in private or over the phone when it’s convenient – public accusations tend to escalate into fights. Ask if this is a good time to talk.
- Write a letter or Email – revise several times until you can do it without accusing. Writing gives you a chance to control your communication and keeps you at a distance. In-person communication is what you ultimately need for intimates – even if you email first.
- Try to include at least some of the following in your communication.
- Compliments – is there anything you like or admire about the person? Say it.
- State the facts and state your feelings Keep your dignity. There’s no need to put up with disrespect or to lie – and no need to make negative generalizations about the other person’s character.
- Make the other person at least partly right: A lot of conflict is about being right, so tell the other person where they are right and what you learned from them. Empathize with their situation.
- Look for ways to agree /look for common goals and values. Don’t pretend to agree where you do not or promise to change behavior that you have no intention of changing – just focus on what you have in common.
- Apologize where appropriate and where you can be truthful. You can be sorry that you offended them – even if it was unintentional.
- Wish them well. Why not ? It costs you nothing, and makes you feel gracious.
Susan (“Dr. Sue”) Horowitz, Ph.D.